E3 Impressions

by J.R. Antrim | 2006-05-??

Oh boy, was E3 ever crowded this year! There were people everywhere and so many games! The music was blaring and boy do my feet hurt! The lines were killing me! I really can't wait for the Wii to come out! The PlayStation 3 costs like $600 bucks and my feet were killing me! Glad I brought my own water! It hydrated my feet! I think it was a banner year for Nintendo! See you all next year! I'm gonna go get drunk!1

  • Final Fantasy XIII: You read that right, thirteen. And we haven't even got to twelve yet! I watched the trailer and the only thing that impressed me was the video quality. Of the trailer. The game looks like crap. I saw nothing but jumpy-ninja-combos, drab hallways and robot monsters so forgettable you wish they were Transformers, so you could sell them on eBay. For a second I thought I was watching a trailer for Death By Degrees, or that Starcraft spinoff, Ghost. Then I caught a glimpse of enough greenery to remind us it's still a "Fantasy" game, ha-ha. Much is being made of the main character, who is appareantly female this time. Then again, we have been fooled before.
  • PS3: LOL!
  • Xbox 360: A great way to beta-test PC games!
  • Wii: Wii did Nintendo go with such a stupid name? Ha-ha! I just made that up! All jokes aside, Mario Galaxy looks great! And by great, I mean Ratchet & Clank! (God I suck. That game looks amazing.)
  • PS3's Controller. First it looked like a boomerang. Now it looks like a Dual Shock again. But get this: It has motion sensors! That means you can "tilt" it in real life, and the game will [respond]. Nintendo was worried other companies would rip off Wii-mote technology, but Sony CEO Ken Kutaragi claims he had the idea twenty years ago (along with analog, force feedback and the Power Glove). Ken is telling the truth. I have the evidence right here! Take that Nintendo fanboys!
  • PS3's $600 Price Tag: Hey, for graphics like these, I'd pay any price! And like Sony's Euro CEO David Reeves said, "The first five million are going to buy it, whatever it is, even it didn't have games." Good thinking, Dave! Games'll just slow ya down. First Party Support is for Wii-tards!
  1. I didn't actually go to E3. But since this is everyone's E3 story, that's allright with me.

    And I don't drink. I'm a human Koala.

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