The 10 WORST
Collectible Card
Game Cards

J.R. Antrim, February 2005

Long before Collectible Card Games were all about fuzzy animals and fey little anime kids, they were about vampires, mechwarriors and government conspiracies. But even back then, we had our share of stinkers.

Here today are the ten of the stinkiest stinky stinkers, presented for the first time in Stink-o-Vision™, the scratch and sniff technology that works with your monitor.

(No, not really.)

Heavy Phaser Refit
(Galactic Empires)

When I was a kid, I used to pretend I was a starship captain. Mom would give me some crayons and I'd draw up a control panel, complete with buttons, knobs and a little view window of space.

Apparently, the designers of Galactic Empires had the same idea.

This is, without a doubt, the worst card art I have ever seen. It was printed before they started crediting artists, but luckily, future editions would credit this abomination to one Gary A. Kalin.

Nice one, Gary. Even managed to stay in the lines.

Adelina Escobar
(On The Edge)

Some people complain that CCGs are too hard to learn, but On The Edge is really quite simple. For instance, Adelina can Crank any time to pop one Buger as it is called.

See? It's simple enough for a child!

Strangely enough, the "Bumbling Bureaucrat" theme deck never caught on. And this in a game where cabbies were a force to be reckoned with.

Mad Scientist
(Kult)

In Kult, the first horror card game, mortals are unwitting pawns in a dark game of insanity; slaves to addiction and belief. Kult featured loveable chestnuts like "Fetal Alteration" and "Voice of Pain," the only card ever censored by InQuest Magazine. One reviewer described it as a, "depressing, sociopathic card game that makes me ill."

So why the hell is the Mad Scientist Michael Keaton? And not just any Michael Keaton (Beetlejuice would have done), he's feminine clone Michael Keaton from Multiplicity.

Dude may be a Spellcasting Pawn of Madness, but he looks like a Botox Injecting Plastic Surgeon of L.A.

Shirtless Kirk
(Star Trek: The Card Game)

This is nasty in ways they haven't even invented yet. But what can you expect from a game based on the show that single-handedly started Slash fanfiction?

I don't know what's more funny. The thought of Kirk replicating special "badge on the hip" pants or the fact that Fleer/Skybox actually trademarked "Shirtless Kirk."

Gold Thief
(Wyvern)

Ah, Gold Thief. He looks like a cross between Hamburgler and an aging Spooky Kid (that's no mask, it's mascara!).

Who writes "Gold" on their bricks of gold? Dumbass.

Believe it or not, Peter Prackownik had to illustrate the entire set of Wyvern. 277 illustrations, and not one is as bad as Heavy Phaser Refit.

File Transfer
(Doomtrooper)

File Transfer. A card so boring that even the people on it look bored.

Censored Unholy Strength
(Magic: The Gathering)

Pressured by parents and teachers, Wizards of the Coast took a card called Unholy Strength and removed the flaming pentagram from the background.

That left us with the flaming guy in leather, who isn't even that strong looking. Just look at that weird little bicep. The only thing unholy in this picture is his Pop-Eye forearm and rock solid man-boobs.

He actually looks like he's yawning. And so were Magic players everywhere, who were less than thrilled to show up in public wielding this atrophied ninny on a buttery background.

Body Odor
(Ultimate Combat)

In real life, body odor isn't just disgusting, it's a grim reminder that you need to scrub the pretzel crumbs and chili sauce off your filthy, stinking body.

In Ultimate Combat, it's an Advantage!

Inspired by this bit of Eastern philosophy, I have vowed a life of personal hygene-chastity. And that, my friends, has brought me a life of power and plenty.

Before, I was shy and reserved. I'd avoid eye contact. Now, I swagger through supermarkets, sticking imperceptibly to the memerchandise. Customers try not to look — but they do! And when teary-eyed checkers speak to me in short, do-anything-but-inhale sentences I know that, deep down inside, they find me unconditionally awesome.

I take their breath away.

Yeah. I thought that'd get your attention.

While I was living in a van down by the river, all my stuff was in storage. During that time (1999-2003), a lot of stuff went down, including a little thing known as September 11th. You can imagine my surprise when I finally cracked open my box of cards and came across these two.

Illuminati is a game of wild conspiracy theories, where Bigfoot could team up with Cthulhu to battle Bill and Hilary Clinton. These cards were printed in '97. It's just a coincidence. Like the pilot episode of Lone Gunmen. And that rap album by The Coup. And those three Tom Clancy novels.

So there you have it. These cards are the very worst in gaming. Not because they suck or because they're offensive, but because it's the only two-card combo that could land your ass in some Cuban concentration camp detention center, where the only shuffling you're going to do is the "shuffling around in your 8x8 wire cell" kind.

- J.R. Antrim is a card flopper, all the way man.

More stuff by J.R. Antrim.