The Daily Grumble

#32 - September, 2005

Welcome to the first Daily Grumble in five years. Longtime fans will likely cheer, while newcomers will ask, "Why isn't this daily?"

The fools.

My absense was largely due to a combination of homelessness and my intense hatred of blogs. Don't take it personally. I might explain my stance in a later column, one which can be summed up in one sentence: "Blogs — I hate 'em."

But for now... Le Grumblette.

There's a new version of Google Destop CIA Agent makes it much easier for Big Google to track your every movement.

What's in it for me, you ask? Porn, of course. But Google can't just come out and say, "Use this to manage your seven gigs of hellfire and damnnation, you big pervert you." They have to be subtle. They have to suggest.

They have to show a picture of kitty.

[IMG: Google Pussy]

This isn't the first time a company has used pussy to attract new users.

Back when AOL and MSN were fighting battling over whose chat client would become so popular that they'd actually make a freakin' horror movie about it, both used a similiar method to get the point across:

[IMG: AOL Pussy] [IMG: Google Pussy]

How very shameless. Sure, they're attracting male users, but that'll only result in a digital sausage fest. If they want to make things happen, they need to attract the more attractive sex.

So, to keep things fair, I've come out with my own version of Google Desktop:

[IMG: Google Cock]

This one's for the ladies.

I found this in my Sin City rental from Blockbuster Video:

[IMG: Navy - Strike & Retrieve NTE Navy Training Exercise @ navy.com] [IMG: So little time. So little fuel. So many options.]

Navy - Strike & Retrieve? "So much fuel, so little time"?

Jesus. What does that even mean? At first I thought it was a joke. But the flyer was such a high quality job, and the message so absurdly menacing, I knew it could have only come from one place: The Gubment.

And guess what, it's a game. Developed by the U.S. Navy, Published by the U.S. Navy. There aren't any reviews of this puppy yet, but Gamespot offered this description: "Embark on a Navy training exercise to secure top secret documents from a downed spy plane."

Um, that's not what the flyer says. It says, "So Little Fuel. So Many Options," and shows a map of the entire fucking world.

GameRanking's pictures only added to the confusion.

[IMG: Navy - Some kind of crazy underwater screenshot. There are robots. Nuff said.] [IMG: Navy - Remember that big fish in Star Wars: Episode 1 who almost swallowed up Qui-Gon and everyone in the sub? Yeah. He's in here too.]

These pics are real. I'm not making this up. It actually looks like StarCraft.

I can't fathom what the game plays like from these shots. It looks like a game of undersea caves and battles against robots and sea life. So, you know, standard Navy operations.

I can only draw the conclusion that there are actually three Navy Training Exercise: Strike & Retrieve games out there.

  • A navy training simulation involving a downed spy plane and sensitive information.
  • A power hungry wargame of global dominance in which oil is the ultimate goal and no country is safe.
  • A first person, underwater remake of StarCraft. With fish.
[IMG: Harry Potter] Isn't it funny how quickly Harry Potter went from a little kid to a guy you wouldn't want to let around your kids?

I caught sight of him on this month's Disney Adventures Magazine. He looks like Kevin from Sin City. I half expected him to feed me my own eyes or something. It's starting to get downright creepy. They'd better hury up with those new Harry Potter movies, before he's old enough to be tried as an adult.

- J.R. Antrim loves getting slobering fan mail.

More stuff by J.R. Antrim.