Lilly's Kids: Halloween Hauntquarters
You know me, I'm a sucker for Halloween costumes. I love glow in the dark hockey masks, the toxic stench of Chinese rubber, even those singy-dancy things I'll never buy, not even after November brings 75% discounts. Looking over Lilly's offerings, one thing became morbidly clear: Things have really changed in the past twenty years.
Muscle Costumes  I didn't need fake muscles when I was a kid -- I draped my frail, lanky body in a voluminous plastic costume and went around looking like a baby chimp in human clothes. It was fun. Lilly's Kids have more fake muscles than Weird Al Yankovic in UHF. It's disgusting, and more than a little sad. Take Spider-Man here. He's easily more ripped than Toby McGuire. The catalog even brags about "bulging chest and arm muscles." Goddamned, when I was a kid, the only thing bulging was the bags of candy!
Food Costumes Parents, for the love of God, please do not dress your small children up like candy on Halloween. Disguising your baby as a Tootsie Roll is only asking for trouble. You might as well dress 'em up like a football and drop 'em in the middle of the Superbowl stadium.
The Corpse Bride Costume I only included this just because the poor dear looks so upset. All the other girls get to be American Idols and Little Mermaids for Halloween, she looks like somebody dug up Cruella D'Ville.
Super Arcade Game Costume No one would have dressed like an arcade machine in the 80s because there wasn't anything scary about 'em. (I mean, not unless you count sticky controls.) Now, it's been so long since anyone has seen a working arcade machine that being trick-or-treated by this kid would be like witnessing some mythic beast rise from the grave and ask to borrow a cup of zombies. To me, this seems like a Fat Guy costume. And by that I mean this would be a natural choice for the rotund gentleman, much like Hawaiian shirts and Cuban cigars. I have to ask though: Outside of Russia, is there such a thing as "Classic Super Snake video game"? And why are the joysticks crotch-mounted?
No-Batteries Needed Flashlight Inspired by the crank-powered Dyno torches used by British citizenry during WWII, the No-Batteries Needed Flashlight is perfect for the kid who wants to spend one minute out of every eleven in total darkness, frantically winding a crank as ghosts and monsters close in on him.
Three Foot Prostitute Costumes   Time was, fishnet stockings and corsets were reserved for actual whores. In time they became a part of official Halloween tradition. But that's okay, those were adult sized costumes, for adult sized ladies, with adult sized breasts -- the reason God invented them in the first place! Then, something terrible happened. To quote Mean Girls: "In the regular world, Halloween is when children dress up in costumes and beg for candy. In Girl World, Halloween is the one night in the year when a girl can dress up like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it."Yeah? Well I ain't no girl. And I'm going to say something about it: Girl World seems to be getting younger and younger every year. Even the mummies have midriffs. It won't be long before stores start selling fishnet bibs and terrycloth corsets. If you want to dress your five year old up like a stripper and send her door to door, that's your business. But don't be surprised if she comes home with a candy bag stuffed with $20s.
Star Wars Costumes Ha! Take that, all you doubters who thought the Star Wars prequels would have no cultural impact. Just imagine, my generation had to dress up as non-Hayden-Christensen Darth Vader and pre-CGI Yoda! (He wasn't a hyperactive death ninja, he just sat there dispensing advice. Advice?! Blarg!) Okay, so I guess the only overt difference is that Stormtroopers were Nazi-white, while these newfangled Clonetroopers have little blue colored patches on them. But can you imagine? Little blue patches? My whole world has changed!
More stuff by J.R. Antrim. |
Every year around this time I get the same catalog from Lilly's Kids. I think my mom ordered a trinket from them in the mid-nineties and I've been on the mailing list ever since. Normally this would drive me nuts, but Lilly's Kids isn't just any crybaby catalog -- it's the HALLOWEEN HAUNTQUARTERS!
