PlayStation 3 Study Group: How Sony Can Survive the Launch From HellI realize that making fun of the PS3 launch would be like making fun of the war in Iraq--Both were ill-conceived, marred by bloodshed and met with journalistic distain. I don't think anyone truly enjoyed the PlayStation 3 launch (except for a few early scalpers on eBay). Poking fun at Sony would be in poor taste. We're here to help. As a gift for the New Year, with the help of the PS3 Study Group--a cadaverous group of associates--I have come up with a few remedies to help Sony get over their Holiday woes.
Pretend it never happened
Sony systems take a while to "warm up." Back in 2000, the PlayStation 2 was good for a laugh. Developers hadn't figured out antialiasing. First generation games like Armored Core 2, Evergrace and FantaVision weren't in the same league as Mario 64 or Sonic Adventure. The Dreamcast had better graphics, cooler games and a 56k modem. Aside from some price gouging on eBay, PlayStation 2's first year was a rough one.
Sony just needs to re-launch in 2007 (with actual games) and rest easy, knowing it'll reign supreme until 2014.
Kiss Square Enix's shiny metal ass
Square Enix makes consoles. They're not some vulture like EA, waiting to back a system until after it's a sure bet. (Okay, I guess that'd make them more of an anti-vulture, circling around until they detect a heartbeat. You know what I mean.) Square Enix is the lucky gym socks of the videogame industry.
"We don't want the PlayStation 3 to be the overwhelming loser, so we want to support them. But we don't want them to be the overwhelming winner either, so we can't support them too much." Balls. Of. Steel. But, J.R., you say: Final Fantasy XIII is a Sony exclusive! Yeah, well, so was Grand Theft Auto--for a while. GTA4 is set for simultaneous release on PS3 and Xbox 360. Final Fantasy creator Hironobu Sakaguchi makes games exclusively for the Xbox 360. Dragon Quest 9 is going to Nintendo DS. I'll repeat that, because I had to read the headline twice before I believed it: Dragon Quest 9 is a DS game. Sony needs to get this shit in writing, long-term, now. The last four system wars were won with the help of Square Enix. With Dragon Quest gone, that leaves Final Fantasy. Sony's going to have to get down on all fours and really lick some boot if they want come out the victor three times in a row. To secure the throne, Sony needs make sure this isn't the final fantasy.
Sixaxis? Give them a reason to careAs gamers, we know things.
Gamers aren't fooled. We are privy, and know what's what. It's the parents who don't know, or give a damn. The Generous and Uninformed--those with no idea, twelve grandkids and a line of credit--need coaxing. Nintendo handled this brilliantly. Their commercials show friendly Japanese businessmen who kowtow and introduce non-gamers to the Wii concept. Sony... took a different approach.
Yeah. Now take a look at a commercial for the Xbox 360's, uh, whatever-the-hell-they-call-it. Dreamcast controller.
See any difference? Neither did I. Pretentious crow-magic asside, both commercials show wireless gamepads flying around like $40 starships. There's no correlation between their swoopy gyrations and actual gameplay. Sony doesn't get the point across. The Sixaxis is tilt-sensitive? I thought it just turned eggs into crows. Hey, Sony? Film some new commercials for that 2007 launch I've been telling you about, and don't get Chris "Mindfreak" Angel to direct this time. Rename the PS3 to DS3In this oddball era of ultra-expensive consoles and marginaly better graphics, only one system is a sure bet for developers: The Nintendo DS.
Confusion may be Sony's only hope. Remember the Nintendo Xbox? How about the Microsoft Gamecube? Parents still get the two mixed up. Kids ask for one; they get the other. This worked in Nintendo's favor. They were able to tap into Microsoft's $500 million advertising budget. All Sony needs to do is rename the PS3 to the DS3, whistle innocently and rake in the dough.
Hold Employees IncommunicadoSony, I love you man. But your PR guys are awful.
First Phil Harrison said multiple PS3 versions (a la Xbox 360) would be "unlikely" and "confusing," seemingly unaware of Sony's plans to release not one, not two, but three versions (including the new "media-centric" edition.) Later, the slobbering man-fool admitted the Blu-ray format is doomed from the start. Harrison actually actually told Wired, "I'd be amazed if the PlayStation 4 has a physical disc drive." Dangit, man! How will I play my Blu-ray copy of Talladega Nights?! Nic Foster, General Manager of Sony Australia and New Zealand, was unable to finish bungling an explanation of the PlayStation 3's digital media center concept without admitting that the Nintendo Wii is, in his own words, "More fun." Elsewhere, Outback executive Michael Ephraim complained the Nintendo Wii was too expensive, neglecting to mention Sony's new system will cost more than twice as much. Obviously, Phil Harrison is a jittering man-thing and the Australian guys are drunk on Fosters. (Australian for beer.) They're in marketing, it's to be expected. The people in charge must have some idea of what's going on. Right? Last September, when asked what he thought of competition from the Wii and Xbox 360, Ken "Father of PlayStation" Kutaragi said, "We don't care," before slurping on his lollypop and skipping down the halls of an insane alylum. Recently, Mr. Kutaragi was forced off the board of directors and... "promoted." In an industry run on image, having the best graphics usually means having the "best" game. With so much hinging on good appearances, depending on a compulsive ignoramus like Phil Harrison is corporate suicide. Sony needs to sign a massive non-disclosure agreement with themselves, make like Nintendo and hire a single hulking cavemen to scare journalists into writing positive reviews.
More stuff by J.R. Antrim. |
So few PS3 consoles were produced, so few launch games published, so few Blu-ray movies sold. Sony should just have a second launch. Hell, they could even deny everything and pretend the 2006 PlayStations 3s were "leaked." (It works for the Whitehouse, right?)
Every system war has its alliances. Capcom has been trying to ween off the Sony teat since 2D games were unofficially banned on the PlayStation. (They haven't launched a Resident Evil on a Sony system since PSOne!) Alas, each time Capcom dumps Sony, they come crawling back with a sob story and a box of chocolates. Why? It's simple: Sony has Square Enix. And where Square Enix goes, success follows.
We know Nintendo announced their motion-sensitive controller first. We know the PlayStation 3's controller -- insanely named the Sixaxis -- has no rumble feature. We know the difference between Wii's motion-sensors and Sixaxis' tilt-control is a big one.
Yes, everyone is in love with the Wii, but if it's anything like Nintendo's last two consoles--enjoy it while it lasts. The Xbox 360 is great... if your idea of fun is paying for downloadable content that would have otherwise come free with the game. Sony's not in trouble, this whole generation is in trouble.
