The Wizard

Movie review by J.R. Antrim | 2000-04-29

Cast: Fred Savage, Christian Slater, Beau Bridges, Jenny Lewis, Luke Edwards.

[Image: The Wizard's box art, which will never be outdone, especially by the crappy DVD release] When the president of Universal Studios informed Nintendo he wanted to make a movie based on their video games, both parties probably had two things in mind: Make an obscene amount of money, and make more than the other guy. Blinded by greed, no one objected to the pitch, "It's Rain Man meets Tommy with excessive product placement."

The Wizard opens with soap opera worthy of the WWE. Traumatized to near autism, Jimmy [Edwards] can't explain he always runs away because he wants to go to California. Actually, he says so in the opening credits, but no one seems to notice. Tired of his antics, Jimmy's mother and her new husband have him committed. Rather than condemn his younger brother to a life of comfort and safety in the care of trained professionals, Corey [Savage] abducts Jimmy for a cross country hitchhike to California (which was randomly selected with darts and a map. Why they bothered with so many unrelated reasons to go to California is beyond me.)

[Image: The Wizard - Lookin' Sexy] "You know, son, it hurts bein' this sexy."
The kinfolk react: Mother hires creepy "Child-Locater" Putnam; Father [Bridges] and Brother [Slater] decide America can't be that big after all, let's just go randomly searching for the boy. Putnam warns that if they find Jimmy, he doesn't get paid, which leads to several violent encounters, complete with hee-haw music. Later, Bridges rams into Putnam's car and screams, "You make money off little kids, you should be shot!" Ironic, considering The Wizard was designed to do just that. Before the credits roll, Putnam is wrongly accused of child molestation and beaten by truckers, but he is a BAD MAN, so that's okay. I guess.

In an unintentionally funny scene, Corey discovers Jimmy is a Wizard (at least in the pinball sense) when they bet fellow runaway Haley [Lewis] she can't beat him, which of course is true, otherwise this movie would have been called "The Witch." Haley goes first, scoring 25,000 points. Jimmy takes over -- starting at around 25,500! -- while everyone waits stupidly for him to "win" until he hits 29,500.

Haley convinces the boys to enter Video Armageddon, a Nintendo tournament held at Universal Studios, which is Unrelated Reason to Go to California #3, if you're keeping score. Lord knows the editors weren't paying attention to scores -- a bat with its eyes sewn shut could spot dozens of bloopers. At one point, Bridges stays up all night playing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Closeups of the game reveal a whopping total of 300 points. Even better, he proudly announces he's at the wrong level.

[Image: The Wizard - Love the Glove] "Goddamnit, is this thing even plugged in?"
Along the way Jimmy and Gang run into rival wizard Lucas, who owns "all 97" NES games. He's also cool, if your idea of cool is pink striped shirts and custom Power Glove cases. (To be fair, back when I first saw The Wizard, I thought he was "radical.") After some incredibly odd trash talk ("I don't get it, is he like a poser boy for someone?") Lucas frightens Jimmy off with his uncanny ability not only to operate his Power Glove but to actually win with it. Lucas also gets the best line in the film: "I love the Power Glove... it's so bad." Corey responds with the worst: "Yeah, well, uh, just keep your Power Gloves off her, pal."

Daunted, Jimmy trains using Nintendo Power, the Nintendo hintline, and an arcade filled with nothing but Nintendo games (most of which were never ported to System 10). Around now, even the dullest mouth-breathing cattle-lover ever to wear a ripped up Megadeth t-shirt will realize The Wizard is an encyclopedia of self-promotion. The only thing missing was subliminal advertising. (I conducted a frame-by-frame search for They Live-esque BUY NINTENDO messages. Sadly, all I found were a few hidden frames of Beau Bridges' bare ass. I'll spare you the screen shot.)

Eventually, the Law of Unbelievable Coincidence means everyone ends up at Video Armageddon. After some righteous plugging for Universal Studios and an encounter with possibly the most disturbing man ever to don orange overalls, the final showdown between Jimmy, Lucas and a truly hideous girl begins. The tournament itself, surreal and incomprehensible, ends with a game no one has seen before: Super Mario Bros. 3.

[Image: The Wizard - Lookin' Sexy] Nothing I can say could make this picture more enjoyable than it already is.
In the final minutes of the competition Jimmy becomes a literal Wizard. Using dark powers bestowed by Great Cthulhu, Jimmy manages to find the Warp Whistle and wins. Okay, so I made that up, but it's the only explanation I could think of for Jimmy and Haley know about a well-hidden secret in a brand new game. "Get the warp whistle!"? They shouldn't have known what a warp whistle WAS.

Just in case you're wondering, Nintendo definitely got the better half of the deal with Universal Studios. The Wizard grossed $15 million, Super Mario Bros. 3 grossed over $500. Nintendo didn't need to pay a cent for all the free advertising -- they actually got a license fee from Universal. And in addition to plugging the existing Nintendo Power, various peripherals and dozens of games, Nintendo created the Nintendo World Championship, which was held shortly after the release of The Wizard.

In Dallas, TX.

Verdict

Rent it... if just for nostalgia - NintendoMania, 80s flashbacks and Haley, because back then I thought she was quite the hottie. It may be a feature-length commercial, but Fred Savage gets hit in the face -- twice!

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