J.R. Vs. Sci Fi ChannelI've seen the face of evil, and it is blowing into a dog's ass. When I told everyone that a recent Sci Fi channel spot featured a grown man, um, inflating his tiny dog, they thought I was joking, or being dirty minded. But there's just no way around it: That man is blowing into a dog's ass. Repeatedly. Until it freaks out and kicks him in the face.
 Ever since the Sci Fi channel canceled Farscape and Mystery Science Theater 3000, I've held a tenuous grasp on the bitch-slap they so righteously deserve. I'm a patient man. I gave them a chance to redeem themselves — and they totally blew it. "Balloon Dog" is a perfect companion piece for Sci Fi channel's last foray into furry fetishism. (The one where the Angelica Houston lookalike plays tongue-tag with her alien cat.) Both commercials are available here, though why anyone would want to watch is beyond me. Unless... Oh. Eww. 
How the once mighty Sci Friday lineup has fallen: Stargate SG-1, Stargate Atlantis and Battlestar Galactica
Sci Fi needs help the way a green elf needs food — badly. Especially the guy who decided to ban anything made before 1991. No Monsters, no Misfits of Science, no nothing. (They still show Twilight Zone, but the Zoner's ubiquitous. It's everywhere, man. You can't keep it off your network. Zone's on the Disney channel.)
- J.R. Antrim loves getting slobering fan mail.
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I'm not making this up. There are two Stargates, one after the other. And I didn't even like the first one. (Not even MacGyver could save us from Teal'c, the large black man with a disturbing resemblance to Angelina Jolie.) Three programs with "star" in the title. This is entertainment struggling to fill its thematic quota. Remember how the Dungeons & Dragons movie had dungeons, dragons and not much else? Yeah, it's like that.
With no classic sci fi, we're left with contemporary stuff: Dark, drab militaristic dramas that play out, at best, like Starship Troopers without the humor, and at worst, Deep Space 90210. I'm sorry, I just don't care about the sniveling lovelifes of teenage space marines. And for for the love of God, what's with these trendy haircuts? I don't remember any mullets in Next Generation, so wash the gel out of your hair, you goddamn fucking bastard.