by Zeus | 2013-08-24

Each week, the hosts of the Quarter to Three: Movie Podcast challenge themselves to a match of 3x3 ("three by three"). The object is to come up with three movies that fit that week's topic: Best Explosions, Best Seductions, Best et ceteras, etc. But the real object is to come up with ideas that make people slap their heads and yell, "Oh! I wish I thought of that!"

Viewer contributions are encouraged, but I'm too damn shy. So instead of risking Kelly Wand poking fun at me on air, I'll come up with my own 3x3 entries here.

Three Favorite Horror Movie Kills

2013-09-08 | From the You're Next podcast. Suggested by Tom Chick.

I'm the type who cheers when good triumphs over evil, even in a horror movie. So all three of my kills are when the badguys got what was coming to them.

#3 - Cabin in the Woods

Ding! There's nothing like this scene. If you've seen the movie, you know what I mean. If you haven't, stop reading and go watch Cabin in the Woods. Basically, you have an evil S.W.A.T team getting absolutely wrecked by just about every kind of movie monster you can imagine. Just thinking about this scene brings a huge smile to my face. Ding! I love it.

#2 - Army of Darkness

"It's a trick. Get an axe." I'm pretty sure this is the kill that elevated Ash from bungling badass to global superpower. There's so many memorable shots in this scene, from the tight closeup of the witch's leering face, to the way Ash shivers after casually dispatching her without even looking. Bruce Campbell is the coolest guy on the planet, and this is the scene that narrowly edged me out of the race.

#1 Hellraiser: Bloodlines

Yes, the Hellraiser in Space movie, fuck you. What makes this ending so great is that as far as horror villains go, Pinhead's really hard to get even with. Pinhead is basically a demon. Eternal suffering is his bread and butter. Would stabbing him to death or chopping off his head really be considered getting even? In order to really turn the tables, you have to bring in a bit of the eternal yourself. In this case, eternal light. At the end of Hellraiser: Bloodlines, Pinhead gets trapped inside a sort of giant Lament Configuration puzzle box. The inside surface is mirrored and the room is flooded with light from high powered lasers. If it sounds stupid, it is. But it's a fitting death for a truly unique horror villain. After Bloodlines, Clive Barker severed all ties with the series, and after watching the end of Bloodlines, you should too.

Runners Up: Michael Myers decapitation at the end of H20 (before Resurrection ruined it). Tiger Mask's demise in You're Next (hey, it's fresh in my mind). Too many to freaking remember. Honorable mention goes to any time Freddy Krueger was killed. I hate that guy, in a good way.

Three Best Maps

2013-08-24 | From the Blue Jasmine podcast. Suggested by Kelly Wand.

#3 - The Goonies

It's not the destination, it's the journey. And in the case of Goonies, it's not even the journey so much as that one scene in the attic, with rain pelting the windows and the Goonies gathered around a treasure map, speaking in hushed tones, as if they'd found the solution to all their problems.

#2 - Euro-Trip

This spinoff of Road Trip is much better than its American-set predecessor. In a neat scene that comes out of nowhere, our heroes discuss their travel plans in a fancy restaurant, and the camera pans down to the table, which sort of turns into a map of Europe, with the salt shakers and whatnot acting like mountains. I guess it's a take on those Indiana Jones animated map scenes, but it always charmed the pants off me.

#1 - Cabin Boy

Hell's Bucket. There's no rhyme or reason to it. This crazy looking pirate map sets up the fact that we're about to take a trip into Hell's Bucket, which is like if the Bermuda Triangle dropped acid and watched a Ray Harryhausen marathon. I love the little details, from the way purple lightning backlights the skull island, to Andy Richter's scribbled directions to "Hawaee."

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