TV rots your brains.
"I almost cried. And then I did for real. You see, though he possesses a demonstrable talent for humor and language, he had me at Recalcitrancy." — Jerry Holkins, Penny Arcade.

Twixt (2011) Horror Movie Mini-Review

Review by Zeus | 2014-04-19

Twixt (2011)

Hall Baltimore (Val Kilmer) is a horror writer whose book tour lands him in the back end of a hardware store, hawking his wares to uninterested locals. He's approached by Sheriff Bobby LaGrange (Bruce Dern, The 'Burbs), who reels him in with a wild-eyed offer to see something creepy. That turns out to be the shrouded body of a young girl with a five foot stake through her heart, the latest victim of a mysterious killer. Baltimore isn't very interested in the body, nor is he interested in Sheriff LaGrange's offer to team up and write a book about the killings. At least until later that night, when he slips away from his hotel into a black and white dreamworld, where he meets a haunting young woman (Elle Fanning) who goes by the name of V. She's a fan of his writing, but doesn't stick around when they come across a creepy hotel, the scene of local tragedy, forgotten by time and wrapped in shame.

Continue reading →

Pulse (Kairo) (2001) Horror Movie Mini-Review

Review by Zeus | 2014-04-09

Pulse (Kairo) (2001)

The recent golden age of Japanese horror began with the excellent US remake of The Ring and ended with the infamous US remake of Pulse. By the time the original Japanese version was released in the states, it was dismissed as yet another movie about scary girls with long black hair. And that's a shame, because this movie doesn't leap out from the dark and go for the throat, it's happy just bumming you out.

Continue reading →

The Battery (2012) Horror Movie Mini-Review

Review by Zeus | 2014-04-09

The Battery (2012)

Ben (writer/director Jeremy Gardner) and Mickey (co-producer Adam Cronheim) are two baseball players, doing their best to avoid a zombie apocalypse by keeping to the gorgeous backroads of New England. Ben survives by second nature. He clears out each house with a baseball bat, scavenging for supplies while cracking jokes. But he refuses to spend a night indoors -- being trapped inside by a hoard once was enough for a lifetime. Mickey is having a harder time adjusting to life among the undead. He hides behind the bulky earphones of his battery operated CD player, blocking out the world with indie rock. It's a point of contention: Ben constantly harps on him to turn it down and be aware of his surroundings. He even sneaks behind his friend, making loud zombie noises to prove the point.

Continue reading →

Splice (2009) Horror Movie Mini-Review)

Review by Zeus | 2014-04-02

Splice (2009)

In this modern day take on Frankenstein, Clive Nicoli (Adrien Brody) and Elsa Kast (Sarah Polley) are genetic engineers who play God, something that hasn't worked out well for main characters ever since the first Passion Play. Their corporate overlord wants them to create slug-like creatures and harvest them for medical patents. The slugs, Fred and Ginger, seem to get along. (The special effects are great, and they get the best scene in the movie, which I won't spoil for you here.) All is well until Clive and Elsa sneak off at night to combine human DNA (and not in the traditional way, if you know what I'm sayin'). Their illegal experiment results in a nasty, teardrop-shaped monster that stings Elsa's arm during the birthing process and nearly kills her. The proof-of-concept was never supposed to get this far. Clive argues they should kill it, Elsa isn't so sure.

Continue reading →

Penumbra (2011) Horror Movie Mini-Reviews

Review by Zeus | 2014-04-02

Penumbra (2011)

A foul-tempered Spanish businesswoman named Magda (Cristina Brondo) is slumming it up in Buenos Aires, skipping work to sell her family's Argentinean apartment. Her dislike for the city and its locals is evident. She doesn't even care about the impending total solar eclipse.

Continue reading →

Sony's Innovation, Dedication, or Lack Thereof

Rant by Zeus | 2014-03-22

On the heels of the Oculus Rift, Sony has announced their own VR helmet. Project Morpheus is bound to be a technological wonder, but it's Sony's their technology I'm worried about.

Continue reading →

Everyone Loses When You Pay to Win

Rant by Zeus | 2013-11-18

Strangely enough, I actually dislike Pay to Win games.

Here's why!

Continue reading →

3x3 - Favorite Use of Split Screen

by Zeus | 2013-10-07

I haven't had time to see movies or catch up on episodes, except for Riddick.

Click here to read my latest 3x3 list.

3x3 - Favorite Horror Movie Kills

by Zeus | 2013-09-08

Click here to read my latest 3x3 list.

The Prophecy (1995) Horror Movie Mini-Review

by Zeus | 2013-08-28

The Prophecy is one of those 90s movies I vaguely remembered but never felt like rewatching. Until now! Christopher Walken plays Gabriel, a real Old Testament pillar of salt kind of Archangel, whose powers of pyrokinesis bring a whole new meaning to "Touched by an Angel." Jealous that God lifted "talking monkeys" -- that's us -- into His Grace, Gabriel started a war in Heaven that has been at a stalemate since basically forever. (It's like that episode of Friends, where Chandler and Ross are either equally strong, or equally weak.) But Gabriel has discovered something that can tip the scales: the dark soul of a cannibalistic Korean War criminal, which he intends to recruit and, I guess, put his army of Jealous Angels through basic training.

Continue reading →



Each week, the hosts of the Quarter to Three: Movie Podcast challenge themselves to a match of 3x3 ("three by three"). The object is to come up with a list of three movies that fit that week's topic: Best Explosions, Best Seductions, Best et ceteras, etc.

These are my entries.

More New Old Articles


I'm thinking of releasing "HD" remasters of these old articles. Meaning I'd have to track down Hard Rock: Save the Space on DVD and take some new screen captures at their original resolution. I'd also have to record director's commentaries whose opinions do not necessarily reflect my own, and add unskippable trailers that play before each article. ("You wouldn't steal a GRUMBLETTE, would you?")

New Old Articles


I'm digging deep into the archives to pull out some of my favorites.

Autopsy (2008) Horror Movie Mini-Review


This guy means business. And by "business" I mean "to kill you." This guy means to kill you.

If you're like me and you bought the third collection of After Dark's Eight Films to Die For, you probably avoided Autopsy (2008). Everything from the title to the grim, monochrome cover art lead me to believe it was the sort of movie where people were endlessly tortured in sterile rooms awash in blue-green hospital lighting. You know, the kind of lighting that even sucks the life out of lifeblood.

Continue reading →

I Live (sigh, again...)


Holy crap, it's time I updated this thing. Especially considering the 10% complete rant I've had at the top of my local copy. Something about the cliche look that replaced bald space marines. The less you know, the better.

Okay. I'm fine, how are you?

Grumblette Archive