Evil Blond Men
by Zeus | 2003-12-12
The other night I watched Murder By Numbers. It's a cop movie with an original twist -- there are two killers, and they're friends. But unlike Scream, these guys are both blond.
The only blond men in the whole movie, and they're both sadistic nihilists who kill out of curiosity.
The next day, I saw Outside Providence. In a movie with maybe 20 men, only one was blond -- and he turned out to be a no-good snitch.
"This is stupid," I said. "All blond guys in the movies are evil, immoral snobs. Except for Leonardo DiCaprio, who is technically a woman, blond guys never get positive roles."
But what about Brad Pitt? He's... sorta blond.
Yeah. And he's also the only A-List actor with blond hair in Hollywood. Jeez. Why hasn't anyone ever noticed this before?
The number of blond guys who get positive roles is completely disproportionate to the number of blonde girls. There are plenty of blonde actresses (both natural and fakie-fake) who get great roles -- it's not like Michelle Pfeiffer, Nicole Kidman and Meg Ryan are forced to play assholes. Which leads me to believe that blondes really do have more fun... unless they're male, in which case they're EVIL.
Take Punch Drunk Love for example. There are five blond guys (thuggish, porn-scamming extortionists) and then there's Adam Sandler. Sensitive, dark haired Adam Sandler.
Ahh, the sensitive brunette man, as featured in every romantic movie ever made. Most of the time, he's battling an evil blond man for the affections of one woman. Fortunately for our hero, blond men inevitably turn out to be cruel/abusive/sneaky/lying/cheating/bastards by the third act. Just ask Greg Kinnear, he's made an entire career out of it. (Well. A "career" anyway.)
I had my hopes up I saw Brokedown Palace, a drama about a couple of teenage tourists trapped in a foreign prison. The second Nick Parks, a charming, toe-headed Aussie walked up, I knew he'd be the cause of their problems. But then it started to look like simple bad luck -- maybe Nick's drugs really were accidentally packed with their stuff. I began to doubt this whole crazy theory. Sure, Punch Drunk Love had a lot of sleazy blond guys. But the guy who played their boss, Philip Seymour Hoffman, sometimes gets a positive role (at least when he's not playing idiot friend to Ben Stiller's sensitive brunette; see Along Came Polly).
So what if there's only one blond hero for every thirty brunettes? It's all a coincidence.
Then Nick turned out to be a local smuggler who seduces American girls with talk of marriage, gets them hooked on drugs and forces them to be his mules. Turns out Nick called customs and narced on our heroes to create a diversion for ten other smugglers. Turns out Nick isn't exactly boyfriend material.
I'm already sick of bitching about this, so I leave you with the American Pie trilogy as an example. Jason Biggs as the loveable screwup Jim, Chris Klein as the sensitive jock Oz, Thomas Ian Nicholas as Kevin, and Eddie Kaye Thomas as the mad genius Finch. They're a little awkward and rough around the edges maybe, but they're a likeable bunch. These are good guys -- dark haired guys.
And then then there's Stiffler.
In Hollywood, blond guys have two choices: Dye your hair brown, save the world and get the leading lady. Or keep it blond and work on your bad guy face.
Zeus is blond. So is his brother. And three of their buddies. And yet -- get this -- not one of them has ever run an evil fraternity. Think about it.