Sixty Seconds With God

Written by Zeus sometime between 1999 and 2002.

Women's magazines. Though they consist mostly of misinformation, tragic interviews with midwestern house wives and articles designed to incite self-doubt*, they can entertain. Provided you don't have anything better to do.

*Do you drink eight glasses of water a day? Are you compatible with your man? Is your child allergic to hugs?

A recent Woman's Day article titled "60 seconds with God" offered time-saving tips for those too busy for religion. It begins:

"My neighbor's longing was evident. 'I'd like to be more spiritual,' she sighed. 'But it's like losing those last five pounds. I have great plans, but I never seem to start,'"

...and goes downhill from there. Of course if God is listening, He'll no doubt be insulted by your selfishness and damn you to the Hell of Chainsaws and Lemon Juice. But for the brave, here are a few of my favorite Woman's Day "ways to connect."

The One-Minute Fast

Tempted to eat something you know isn't good for you? Wait one minute. Offer the minute to God and ask for the grace you need to control your appetite. Chances are you'll no longer be tempted when the minute is up. If you do give in -- well, forgive yourself.

In addition to the one-minute fast, they also list "Grace Before Meals" and "Lunchtime Communion." You know, for the fatties.

The Count-To-60-Avoid-A-Fight Prayer

Ever burst out in anger and regret it later? Next time someone's words hit your hot button, count to 60 before you respond, using these words: "one-for-God, two-for-God, three-for-God," etc.

The next time your boss refuses to give you a raise, try clenching your fists and contorting your face, as if you're trying to contain a killing rage. Then mutter, "one for God... two for God..." Trust me, it'll work.

The Elevator Blessing

Next time you share an elevator with someone, silently ask God to meet that person's unique needs. Add a smile of your own.

Aw man, I'm going to hell. Not once have I met someone's unique elevator needs.

Don't worry, blasphemers. God isn't just your savior, He's your friend.

Last but not least, the most insane thing I have ever heard.

Computer Devotions

Ed Loucks of Silver Spring, Maryland, programmed his computer screensaver to read, "Every-one is a God-holder." Every time he taps a key to delete the display, Ed softly repeats the phrase. "It's a frequent reminder of the way I want to regard people," he says.

Woman's Day's intentions were good, but they set a goal most people can't meet. I mean really, who can spare an entire minute? Below are some of my own suggestions to shave off precious seconds.

When having sex, try to scream "Oh God!" as much as possible.
Your cat or dog has no soul -- don't waste time praying for these fluffy heretics.
Catholics: Ask God for forgiveness every other time you masturbate.
If you swear, "Goddamnit" is really the way to go.
When spanking your child, note the reddish color of her ass. Doesn't it remind you of a sunset? Yes. And who made that sunset? God.

Thank you all for reading. I'll be praying for you.

You know, unless there's something good on television.

While reading a videogame magazine, Zeus was once hit on (by a woman!) who used Elle to break the ice. Isn't that a little like him using his issue of Game Pro?