Written by Zeus on 2004-03-30
Early one morning, I was on my way home after dropping my brother off at work. I had perfected the art of getting up out of a dead sleep, driving to [Undisclosed Fast Food Chain In The Box] and then driving back -- all without actually waking up.
As I peered at the mortal world through half-closed eyes, my gaze drifted to the rear bumper of the shiny red pickup ahead of me. Something was dangling below the license plate. Something that looked like two eggs in a pair of pantyhose. Something that kind of looked like a nutsack.
Actually, it was a nutsack.
It was almost too horrible to comprehend. Here I was, confronted by a pickup's scrot'. Why would anyone do that to their vehicle? Why would anyone do that to me?
I rushed home in search of answers, or at least a nearby support group. I had assumed that this was only an aberation. That some dirty old man was so desperate for virility that he bought a shiny red pickup and attached balls to it. But this was no isolated incident. These things were mass produced. They were available for purchase with your Visa or MasterCard. They came in all the colors of the rainbow. And they had to be stopped.
I reviewed my options.
- I could kill anyone ever involved in the manufacture or purchase of a truck nut, saving future generations by erasing them from history.
- I could make a bunch of hotmail accounts and bombard them with stupid letters.
Guess which I picked?
Dear Nut Shop,
I think your product is just super. I saw one dangling on a pickup in front of me and I was so smittin I ran right out and bought two pairs -- one for my truck, and one for me.
Your website says, "you will get hours, and we mean HOURS, of enjoyment from these!" and boy were you right!
Anyhoo, I once played a little joke on my friends at the salon. I walked in with one dangling out of my fly. Their jaws simply dropped! They really busted a nut -- I mean, their guts -- laughing.
I have to admit, I have a bone to pick with you boys. You make testicles, but why stop there? If you made a penis hood orniment, I'd never leave the garage!
-- Billy C.
While I'd like to imagine that they'd be fooled by my tom-foolery, I also doubted it very much. (You don't build a successful internet business by employing morons, you build one by catering to them.) Still, I was hoping they'd reply. Hell, I'd have been happy with a, "You've got too much time on your hands."
Instead, the response I received was warm and friendly. Even... encouraging.
All right, I could play that game. Enough fan mail. I was about to expose the dark side of their nuts with a letter so foul and repugnant, it could only have been written by a man named Earl.
i want to loge a formal complaint
my wife is as sweet and gentle a woman as has ever walked God's green earth. before we were married, she had never seen another naked man, not even a picture
so when she saw what i was putting on our suv she acted disgusted but did not protest too much
next day i was polishing the back door and saw my wife was checking out my rear. it was unlike her but i felt so studly i put on a show. imagine how pissed off i got when i realized she was realy checking out the truck nuts!!!!
she said she was sorry but they were so big and distracting. i thought that was that, because later that night we made love. twice! but then she admitted it was because she was thinking about those damn nuts again.
ive tried throing them out but she fished them out of the garbage. i tried burning them but it only turned them black amd NOW SHES MORE INTERESTED THAN EVER!!!!
damn you truck nuts. damn you for setting an unrealistic expectation i can never live up to.
-- Earl H.
For days I rubbed my sinister hands and cackled with evil glee. Would their reply be rude? Riddled with typos? Full of vulgar threats to me and my family? I could only hope!
But to my greatest shame, I'm forced to admit defeat. They liked my letters, liked them so much that they created a special department just for me. It was called Nutty Stories. More letters would follow, and mine are still up to this day. Rather than erase their place in history, I had inadvertantly all but secured it.
I'll get you next time, Nut Shop. Next time!
Zeus once ordered a pair of truck nuts for a Planter's peanut nut truck. The result was something so drastically unfunny that it ripped the very fabric of space and time.